That oh so familiar feeling…

of not wanting to care anymore because it’s so much easier than actually caring; easier than waiting for the inevitable feeling of disappointment…because you can’t be disappointed in someone else that never promised you anything…it’s the disappointment in yourself for allowing that bit of hope that something could be more than what it really is.  The hope that if you wish hard enough, believe long enough, have enough faith that anything is possible…sometimes it’s just not.  From wishing that by just sitting on the couch you’ll lose 10 pounds or loving someone with everything you can…every once in awhile, the belief is just not enough.

Miami – I had my first tarot card reading…I blame the melancholia on her…she tells me that I can’t be with him, he’s not the one for me.  That there will never be enough room for me in his life, I’ll never know where I stand or how important I am.  He’ll never be what I need him to be and that the only way to move forward is to really let go…to make room for someone that can be.  She says the man I’m meant to love is far in miles but not communication…that he’s right around the corner…and I’ll know him when I meet him (oh and one of his initials will be an M or a C)…yeah…I’ve heard that one before…and of course as I recount this to Alex, she starts cracking up and says “really…you had to pay $30 for the same advice your friends gave you?”…always knows how to make me laugh.

Fast forward to two days later NY – I’m walking down the street and this girl tells me she wants to read my palms…well…why the fuck not?  How could it possibly get worse?  Yeah…it actually can get worse.  Same exact message…it’s like the world conspiring against me…except she tells me I was only meant to have one marriage and I should have had it when I was 28…rewind to Miami and think M & C…two of my ex-husbands initials…this is the part where I have to lol a little…and the year I was 28 was the year I loved him most…I remember that year so well because of our trip to Greece…how we laid in the sand and ate mussels in a dimly lit restaurant…so I suppose that was it…and to be honest…if it was then there were enough amazing memories to last me a lifetime, enough to remember to always be grateful for.  Because while we might not be in love with one another today, there was once a life where we were…and I’m lucky enough to have felt it just once.

All the reasons why

Starting over…again…

I’ve done it…I’m here…sitting on my couch (at least the half that was delivered today) looking out at the New York city skyline.  The rain has just cleared but I feel a little of the sadness setting in, just the missing of friends…mostly the sound of their laughter, someone to say goodnight to, walk the dogs with, eat fro-yo with.  It’s not to say that I’m not spending time out and about here…it’s just that sometimes there is a space in our hearts where the people we love most will always live.

It’s been five nights and six days since the move…four nights since Alex flew back to LA.  The boys and I have spent countless hours walking the streets from Central Park down to Soho…their poor little pads probably walked raw…being here feels right, feels like home…it just feels a bit empty without as much laughter.  I came home from the office today and found a package from Alex…and of course burst into tears, dramatically laying on the floor with no one to laugh at me and tell me to get up…but it was exactly what I needed…the perfect reminder of what the last few years have been…and as Alex said, it’s a bit sad that this chapter is closing but what has yet to come is the real adventure.

Checking in…

I know…yet again we are letting time span between posts…but I swear there are good reasons! (well…I suppose that depends on your definition of a good reason)…

On the plane from LAX to JFK, off to NY to look for an apartment and if I’m being completely honest it’s also time to figure out if I can do this on my own. If I really have the courage to leave LA and the people there who love me, the people who have put me back together over the last year and a half.

I can’t give you a good reason as to why I’m doing this. I wish I could say there was something concrete…but in all honesty, my heart just feels like this is the right thing to do, the right place to be…an inexplicable draw to the city. The job is what I want, the idea of fall days in Central Park, a five hour flight to Paris, the ability to be anonymous in the city. Yes, being there will have it’s challenges…but ultimately, isn’t that what life is about? Taking a risk, living through the challenges and learning how to be fearless? I want to be a able to look back one day and say “I lived…I mean I really lived”, that I took every opportunity offered to me and have no regrets…and if I don’t do this, I fear that one day I will look back and regret that I let this pass me by.

But with all that said, I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t going to hurt, that I’m not going to cry my eyes out the day I get on the plane and leave Alex and Natalie I’m LA, my mom, my sister and Taylor in Seattle…I can’t even hold back the tears while typing this on the plane. What I should remember beyond the tears though is that these people love me, that I am so incredibly lucky to have this life and that just because I’m a flight away, it does not mean I love them or they love me less.

So here’s to taking a deep breath, closing my eyes and taking a leap of faith in myself. Here’s to saying “I am not afraid”.

Xoxo Dylan

I think I’m sick…

He arrives tomorrow for a weekend in LA…sigh…first time meeting the “family”…oh and I can already tell you how this is going to go…especially when Bosley says to me last night “Does he know what he’s walking into?”…eek!

I honestly don’t know how I feel anymore.  After this past weekend I realized so much, was slapped in the face with so much…I just cant let it go or believe that I can wait until his world has settled…because us never may.  I can’t remember the last time I said I love you…sad…and as Natalie said, is it the same situation as the Ex-husband but in a different package?  Everything I think I would want but not quite enough…but enough that I know I should walk away?

Regardless…something has to give…this relationship, while incredible on so many levels, isn’t enough as it is.  Deep down I know that.  Sigh…so what does it all mean?  Is it enough progress that I can recognize it?  Or am I supposed to leave?  I want to feel the love he sings in The Airborne Toxic Event, All for A Woman…

You find that you stare in the same spot for days, she’s above below  you in waves…she’s lying asleep in your bed and your standing beside her the light from inside her filling the dark inside your head. Who doesn’t want to be loved this?

It’s official…

We are the worst bloggers known to the internet…no amount of peer pressure is getting my bitches to post…clearly everyone is far too busy having sex (obviously with the exception of me…benefit (and downfall) of being in a long distantance relationship).  So in the spirit of “Keeping up with the Girls” I’ll give you a low-down on the recent happs and maybe then the girls will post to try and correct any rumors I may or may not try to spread…Fact or Fiction…you decide xxx

Natalie:  Has quite possibly met her lobster…the one..her penguin…the one with which she will mate.  He’s a wonderful guy…sweet, funny (love that he laughs a lot), has a few interesting tattoos, smart and most important…he loves her.  He loves her in the way she has always imagined love should feel like.  He allows her to be herself, to say what she needs to, when she wants to.  For this, I love him right back…if he can make her happy then that is all that matters to me.  Everything else is just peripheral.

Alex: Well…I know I said I’d give you an update but I actually value my life and don’t want to die in my sleep or have my dogs hog-tied (again).  That said…Alex is smiling a lot…and she has a beautiful smile.

Dylan: Oh, that’s me. Uhmmmm yeah….still complicated…I tried to break up (see below post and exchange between Alex and myself) but that didn’t work so well.  Tried to just not speak to him for a few days…yup, failed at that one too…I can’t control the feelings, the love that just seems to be pouring out of my heart…and he makes me happy…yes, there are times I wonder if he truly has room for me in his life…but when he sends messages in the middle of the night just to tell me he loves me…how can I not love him, how can I not want to love him?  So complicated…yes.  A situation that most think I should not really be in..yes.  But I want to love him and be loved by him…and for right now, in this moment, that’s enough.

Just for laughs…a few of my favorite recent quotes…

Alex: I have serious distaste for him right now

Marky: I love you more than porn…and that’s a lot xxx

Marky: If I flipped him I’d cling to his leg like a two year old on his mom’s side.  Then I’d knife any boys who even looked at him.

Marky: Is your vagina broken?

Alex: I need to slow it down on the Sunday booze  Dylan: Why slow down?  Just getting started for the week.

Dylan: I told him we had to break up  Alex: Did he take you as seriously as I am when you’re telling me this?

Figuring it out…

I’m trying to figure it all out…to internalize all of this emotion without going down a rabbit hole I can’t come out of.  I’m trying to figure out what I’m capable of, what I deserve, where the boundary between giving too much and taking too little is.

At times I feel like I’m spiraling down this path, corrupting my own heart with expectations which leave me momentarily disappointed…and momentarily having to ask myself if I’m disappointing myself for expecting too much or if the person on the other end is disappointing me.

There is this part of me that isn’t sure what I deserve, the insecurity that I’m really not worthy of being loved…and I’m terrified of having my heart broken….I mean terrified.  And so when I put myself out there…and when there isn’t that level of reciprocation, I reel everything back in…I pull myself away because it’s easier than someone not being able to make the time or show me in a gesture that I’m important enough.  I’m worthy of their time and affection.

It’s so complicated…and I know that if I am accepting that then I need to really think about the impact of what I’m accepting…especially as I’m about to make a decision that seems harder than leaving the ex…and while it may not yet be a decision that has to be made…the fact that I’m contemplating it says enough…I only hope I’ve learned enough to make a decision for myself and not someone else….

So as I drift off to sleep, I’m thinking of him. Of us.  And learning to think about myself…as a good friend said, he wants me to be cherished…there isn’t a better word…isn’t that what we all want?

A very good night…

I’m not really sure what more a girl could as for….I’m sat here doing a little work, drinking a bit of wine, having laughs with one of my best friends and feeling very loved…even if it is from the other side of the world.  So yes…tonight is a very good night.

Moving forward…

It’s done…I said it, I feel it, I mean it…those words that I wasn’t sure I was capable of giving again…”I love you”.  And as liberating as it has been to say…it leaves me feeling so vulnerable.  So lost.  I can’t but help ask the questions, “Am I in love with the right person?  Is my heart going to get broken? Can he give me everything I want? Is this right?”

He’s amazing…the way he makes me feel, the way my body fits into his as we sleep…that when I drift off at night his arm isn’t just around me, he’s holding on so tightly that I can’t move because he wants the last thing I feel for the day to be that I’m safe and loved.  And I do…but I also don’t.  And I know that part of that is me.  That I need to learn to have more confidence in myself, more confidence that when he says he loves me, he means it, more confidence in us.  There are just so many factors…so many things to consider.  And I’m so so so very afraid that I am going to lose myself to someone that can’t be here…be here with me right now…I can’t do that again. 

So here I sit…completely terrified.  Terrified that I will end up broken hearted and disappointed in myself again.  I sit here telling myself that I don’t need to have all the answers right now, that I should live my way into the answers rather than try to assume and guess…it’s just so very hard when I feel so very fragile…